i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
