Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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