Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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