It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
