No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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