All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
