My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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