I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
