Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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