I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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