just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
