Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What a dumb baby whore.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
