the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
not ubering you a puppy
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
