my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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