did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
