and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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