I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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