In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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