There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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