12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
