Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
