I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
