omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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