I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
