She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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