I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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