then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
