just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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