No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
