How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we're making bets on your personal life
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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