Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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