My liver just broke up with me...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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