I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize