i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
