I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
