I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
