Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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