I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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