Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
