how can u be prego again
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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