I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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