my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
