I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
