the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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