Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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