Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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