i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
