don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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