I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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