she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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