hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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