My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
