I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
