No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
