so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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