An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I have feelings that need drinking.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
